no one needs to waste their time reading this. just havnt written down much in a long while.


the chick in pulp fiction said something about
its love when you can sit comfortably in silence with someone

it was late, i dont remember it exactly


silence is good


i dont want to die alone
is love real?
something inside of me says it is
is it my heart or brain

love is rare
love is rarely true
people get caught up into delusions
fake love

when i used to get depressed i would shut down
and listen to music or occupy myself with tv or video games
now
i turn to Mary Jane
she is the only love that has lasted
she is there for me everyday
i inhale her white essence and become relieved
i hold her inside of me until my face is blue
so she comes onto me stronger
i blow out the smoke
and watch it drift away
my problems will be gone for awhile

i can truely say
i love weed
it is the only thing left

"no one will love you until you love yourself"
if that is the case
then i will die unloved

i am addicted to pot
but without it i feel incomplete
in the past
i was addicted to who i liked
most of those relationships proved fake
some i am not sure about

yes i go to psycotherapy
i took a personality assessment
these are some things that might describe me:

analytical, artistic, aware, calculating, cheerless, competent, concise, conscientious, conservative, consistent, controlling, correct, creative, critical, dependable, depressed, depressing, detailed, dissatisfied, efficient, emotional, faithful, feels unapproved, follows rules, hard to get along with, idealistic, impatient, impossible to please, impractical, inflexible, intolerant, introverted, interlligent, investigative, irritable, knowledgeable, loyal, methodical, moody, negative, opinionated, organized, overly self-critical, perfectionist, pessimistic, precise, proud, quality-centered, reserved, revengeful, rigid, sacrificial, self-centered, self-contemplation that paralyzes, self-examination, self-sacraficing, self-torturous, sensitive, structured, suspicious, task-oriented, theoretical, thin-skinned, too much thinking prohibits doing, traditional, uncompromising, unemotional, un-talkative, values quality of life

many of those describe me

i absolutley hate constantly thinking of myself
recently when i do, i catch myself and try to think of something else
but no matter what
my thoughts always return to beating myself down or replaying faults

it is almost impossible to think on something besides myself
it is possible but those thoughts are short lived
i never find myself thinking on the same thing twice
i forget about it
everything goes to my faults

i hate anxiety
i hate the way eye contact makes me feel
i hate not being able to be comfortable in groups of people
i hate not being myself, though i try and will try forever
i hate not feeling accepted even if i am
i hate pot. it is only ruining my life

from the personality assessment


"how does my personality affect my thinking?"

"C personality-c's have the most complexly layered mental abilities of the four personalities. they want to get to the bottom of everything, and their thinking is deep, thorough, and reflective. c's will never be accused of being superficial or phony, but this has its down sides. their strong imagination tends to lead to romanticism, their analysis can lead to being judgmental, and their ordering can lead to perfectionism. their tendency to be dreamers and perfectionists can lead to frequent dissapointment, which may fuel serious doubts and a desire to remove themselves even more from the real world through daydreaming. still, c's are highly creative and sharply stimulating; their thoughts are well considered, expressed with originality, and they are highly faithful and thorough."

-deep thinking
-hate fake
-dreamer


"how does my personality affect my emotions and how i control them?"

"feelings control c's giving them a rich sensitive nature (often oversensitive-easily crushed). ironically, c's typically feel more than they can express. for instance, c's are not quick-tempered, but can erupt in pent-up anger. sadly, they are negative, hopeless, pessimistic, moody, and preoccupied with their own emotional pain. c's constantly examine themselves, and see little in their world that is encouraging. impressions of self can dig and bury deeply and work actively in their imaginations, leading to depression-as when promises they break or errors they make distress them for a long time or even a lifetime"

-sensitive
-pessimistic


"how does my personality affect my will-power and my self-discipline?"

"making decisions and engaging in planned risks are not strong points for c's, in part due to their passive nature. also, their capacity for endless analysis of every possible angle and consequence paralyzes them. the more possible outcomes c's find, the more difficult it is for them to decide. they finaly act only when they must, and then with ongoing doubts and small amounts of boldness. c's are also self-disciplined and know their limitations, so they would rather commit to fewer and safer things, and finish what they start, than make promises they know they can't keep. though they are not risk-takers, c's are self-sacrificers and dependable servants."

-i suck at making decisions
-i could be someones servant, a lady's servant. someone to get attatched to as long as she showed love and caring

"how does my personality affect how i relate to other people?"

"c's have significant problems in relating. they do not make many friends, but those they make, they keep by being faithful, loyal, and dependable. they consider promises a point of honor to keep. however, c's are hard to get along with or touch, and they are proud. their sharp ability to analyze lets them see faults in others clearly, and they become critical and judgemental. but their self-centeredness focuses them on how things affect them, not how they affec others. so they cannot analyze their own faults. their romantic search for the ideal leads them to be uncompromising, disappointed, and self-protective. c's are easily hurt, suspicious, distant, and not joyful. they may have a hang-up about others mistreating them. they tend to daydream and harbor grudges, which can inscrease to unbearable proportions. c's may be the most likely personality to create disharmony, and to blame, whine, and complain."

-few friends
-only new friends (older friends' new friends. they are more like people i just hang out with when im with my older friends)i have made have been through older friends
-daydream constantly


"how does my personality affect my leadership roles?"

"primarily passive, c;s would rather be followers, not leaders. still they display helpful leadership qualities, such as their self-denial and service, uncompromising nature, and willingness to work behind the scenes. c's analyze plans well, for their strengths and weaknesses. unfortunately, this can make it appear they are against projects, but an ability to judge well does not necessarily mean one is judgemental. c's are prone to be negative, in part because they truly can anticipate upcoming and approaching flaws in plans and actions. they battle dissapointment over outcomes that do not match promises and inputs. c's know their limitations and rarely take on more than they should/could do."

-love working behind the scenes (not many people normally so little to no anxiety)
-can't help the negativity


"how does my personality affect my communication style?"

"c's generally have opinions (and often well informed) about many topics and issues, but they generally withhold them from a conversation unless asked directly what they think. they are accurate and detailed, and tend to dislike exaggeration and uninformed comments. c's often are suspicious and depressing, which does not endear them to others in conversation. others find it extremly easy to follow their directions because they are patient when communicating details. they do not communicate words they do not mean. what they say is what they mean. there are no hidden motives in their communication."

-wish i was more informed, i feel i am stupid (much has to do because of drugs and dropping out)


"how does my personality affect how i act when i'm offended?"

" c's are revengeful. in many ways, they live in the past, and find it difficult to forget any kind of insult or offense. their unforgiving spirit serves to compound the impact of the offense and push it into the future. reflecting on the hurt drives it deeper as the slow-burner on their emotions makes them prone to boiling with resentment inside. they carry grudges, and become bitter and prejudiced against people because of un-forgiveness."







i need new friends
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i hate small talk
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aching for love
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hello mary jane, goodbye brain cells